...yet we’d have on our side, to serve us a merit, the absence of guilt...
That night I decided I wouldn’t try staying up again for I had convinced myself that there was nothing to worry about and also due to the fact that I had covered two very badly edited collective works on economics and culture so I really couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. As a somewhat new experience I didn’t see Loretta again before I went to bed, which was awkward only for the simple reason that preparing my room had been her responsibility until then. That time, however, it was the older maid Regina, whom I had seen only once or twice during my stay, who carried out that task.
I must admit that it bothered me to some extent. It was not because I had Regina as Loretta’s substitute - I didn’t mind an older woman as my maid at all - but it seemed to me, that Loretta was avoiding me after that unfortunate mishap. However, there was also a second reason to my worries, because Loretta had not been far from fine until I left the library. Actually I thought she had gotten over it. But if she wasn’t there to see to my room, then where was she?
“Good night, Sir” I heard Regina say in her low and soothing voice. It reminded me of some Dutch actress who had a low voice and I think a similar short haircut as well. Maybe Regina was a singer once? She left the room quietly with a candle in her hand and the black void behind the door took her in. “Good night” I replied and locked the door. As I pulled out the key I saw a dim ray of light on my hand for a brief moment which then, along with the ever diverging steps of the maid, disappeared.
I couldn’t describe my state at that point in time even if I tried. It felt as though life had hit me, or on the contrary, escaped me entirely. I didn’t understand why things were how they were and why I was in such a situation. I felt like a mechanism by just doing the things I ought to do yet it satisfied me in some way. One could say it was a state of tranquillity. I undressed with that same tranquil feeling in my head and claimed once again the bed.
As I rested my head on the pillow suddenly fatigue hit me like a rock. Everything faded away in a peaceful haze. I saw the candle burn brightly on the bedside table and illuminate my dark room a bit. There was the painting next to the closet, the table and the letters I had to reply to, there was a sculpture of a woman next to the chair and the big wooden clock behind it on the wall. But all faded away so quickly, and not more than a few seconds later I was sound asleep.
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